Warren's Wall of Dad Jokes

Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver? The sink.

How can you tell its a dogwood tree? By the bark.

What do you give the dentist of the year? A little plaque.

What kind of cleaning product feels a lot of motivation in life? All-purpose.

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

I told my girlfriend she drew on her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Getting paid to sleep is a true dream job.

Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because its mother was in a jam.

Dogs cant operate MRI machines. But catscan.

What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon.

What did the accountant say while auditing a document? This is taxing.

What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.

What did the husband say to his wife right after getting LASIK surgery? Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?

What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.

Shouldnt the roof of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?

Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.

Why is sand so optimistic? It has a can-dune attitude.

What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A bed.

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.

Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless.

What do you call a gnat with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.

What animals are the best to call if you get locked out of your house? Monkeys.

Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.

Why did two tall people get along so well? They could really see eye to eye.

What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

A truck full of Vicks Vapour Rub crashed on the highway this morning. Amazingly there was no congestion for 8 hours.

I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said its just a bug going around.

What's either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school? Hogwarts.

How do you tell a scientist that they have bad breath? Offer them an experi-mint.

What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business.

Why is cold water so insecure? Because its never called hot.

What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.

I like telling Dad jokes sometimes he laughs.

I wanted to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Its fine, he woke up.

Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.

My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I dont think they'll fit me.

Why did the pharmacist walk on her tiptoes? She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.

If you feel like someone is watching you, you're not alone.

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.

What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one is on the house.

What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.

What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.

Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded.

I've been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing. The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.

What do frogs use to track their exercise? Fit (rib)bits.

The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school.

Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.

Why couldn't the family leave the room after playing with Lego? They were blocked.

Why was the hockey player gifted a new cap? He was known for his hat tricks.

Why couldn't the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues? They were engaged.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.

Why do dads feel the need to tell such bad jokes? They just want to help you become a groan up.

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didnt like it.

Why did the baseball player get arrested? Because he stole second base.

Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.

What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning? A breakfast bar.

Why did the pony ask for a glass of water? Because it was a little horse.

What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl.

Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge? The leeks.

What's a crafty dancer's favorite hobby? Cutting a rug.

What did the sapphire's best friend tell her? You're a real gem.

What do you call a baby sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.

How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini.

What did the dryer say to the boring duvet cover that just got out of the washer? Don't be such a wet blanket.

Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.

What did the police officer say to his belly-button? Youre under a vest.

What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing they fast.

How do birds learn how to fly? They wing it!

Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.

What kind of noise does a witchs vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.

Where do hamburgers go to dance? The meatball.

Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldnt see that well.

What makes a basketball court trendy and accessorized? The hoops.

Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two!

Did you hear about the actor who broke his leg onstage? He's still in the cast.

What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.

What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone.

How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.

Why did the pug buy a clock? It wanted to be a watchdog.

Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.

Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.

I tell dad jokes, but I dont have any kids. I'm a faux pa.

What was Sherlock Holmes' favorite protein source? Mystery meat.

Where do wasps like to get lunch? A bee-stro.

How does a penguin build his house? Igloos it together.

What did the dad say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog? It's a dog eat dog world out there.

Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.

How can you mend a broken pumpkin? Use a pumpkin patch.

What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.

What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.

What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles? He's got a chip on his shoulder.

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.

Why are pigs bad drivers? Because they hog the road.

Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.

What do lions use to look at their manes? Mirroars.

How was the handsome runner described? Dashing.

I know a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work.

I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn't a good fit.

Why did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key!

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was out standing in his field.

Why did the physicist and the biologist break up? Because they had no chemistry.

How many apples can you grow on a tree? All of them.

What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.

What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.

What is a scarecrow's favorite fruit? Straw-berries.

RIP boiled water you will be mist.

Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck.

Whats the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci.

Whats the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific.

What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalape o business.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

Why don't phones ever go hungry? They have plenty of apps to choose from.

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle.

What kind of bug can tell time? A clock-roach.

Why did the watch go on vacation? Because it needed to unwind.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, Do you know how to drive this thing?

Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.

Why couldn't the couple get married at the library? It was all booked up.

Why did the computer go to bed? It needed to crash.

Do mascara and lipstick ever argue? Sure, but then they makeup.

What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.

Want to hear a joke about construction? Im still working on it.

How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.

Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter.

What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.

What do you call spiders who just got married? Newly-webs.

Why were spectators confused by the koala's self-portrait? It was bear.

What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion? Let's table this.

My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating. She's starting to sound like my wife.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

Whats brown and sticky? A stick.

I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if its the real deal or just a run through?

What does a karate master get rewarded with while driving? A seat belt.

What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day? You've been on fire!

What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity? I'm a big fan.

What did the baker say when she won an award? It was a piece of cake.

Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar? He ordered everyone around.

What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!

Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn't putting in enough shifts.

Did you hear about the guy who was afraid of hurdles? He got over it.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.

Sore throats are a pain in the neck.

Why didn't the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.

Why did Waldo go to therapy? Because he needed to find himself.

Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!

How do you know when a chicken is evil? It lays deviled eggs.

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack.

What kind of shape may have been knighted? Cir-cles.

Im so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

Why did the computer catch cold? It left a window open.

Why was the ghost so tired? He worked the graveyard shift.

Why did the lobster blush? Because it saw the ocean's bottom!

How do you get a country girls attention? A tractor.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

Why would doors do well on social media? Everyone looks for their handles.

My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall to her. I said Maybe...

Why was the cow such a heartthrob on the farm? He was a s-moo-th talker.

When does Friday come before Thursday? In the dictionary

What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.

I was going to tell a joke about water, but it was too tasteless.

If you see a burglary at an Apple store, you become an iWitness.

What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.

What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1

I didn't get a haircut, I got them all cut.

Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop? She always spilled the tea.

What do you call someone who won't stick to a diet? A desserter.

Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.

Why couldn't the bike stand up on its own? Because it was too tired.

5/4 of people admit theyre bad at fractions.

If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.

What is Marco's favorite clothing store? Polo.

Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

What does a house wear? Address.

How do cows shop? From cattle-logs.

What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing.

Someone told me that I should write a book. I said, Thats a novel concept.

How do trees get on the internet? They log in.

What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical.

How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day? He told her to look out for her new sham-poo in the shower.

How much money does a skunk have? Only one scent.

How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.

What did the juicer say to the orange during self-quarantine? Cant wait to squeeze you!

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record. But I love their greatest hits!

Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.

Why did the envelope take so long to get ready? It had to get addressed.

If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until theres pancakes.

What did the geometry teacher say when the class had trouble solving a problem? Let's try a different angle.

Ive been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure its better than sitting around doing nothing.

What's it called when kittens get stuck in a tree? A cat-astrophe.

What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze? The sta-tues.

Why did the roofer go to the doctor? He had shingles.

Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill.

How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams.

What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.

Stop looking for the perfect match use a lighter.

What vegetable is kind to everyone? The sweet potato.

I had a date last night and it was perfect. Tomorrow, I'll have a fig.

Why couldn't the duck be quiet? Because it was addicted to quack.

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.