Warren's Wall of Dad Jokes

The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.

Dogs cant operate MRI machines. But catscan.

What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day? You've been on fire!

What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze? The sta-tues.

Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.

What vegetable is kind to everyone? The sweet potato.

Do mascara and lipstick ever argue? Sure, but then they makeup.

What did the dad say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog? It's a dog eat dog world out there.

What did the accountant say while auditing a document? This is taxing.

Why are pigs bad drivers? Because they hog the road.

How do you tell a scientist that they have bad breath? Offer them an experi-mint.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What is a scarecrow's favorite fruit? Straw-berries.

Someone told me that I should write a book. I said, Thats a novel concept.

Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.

Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.

What do you give the dentist of the year? A little plaque.

What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity? I'm a big fan.

What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.

I tell dad jokes, but I dont have any kids. I'm a faux pa.

Where do hamburgers go to dance? The meatball.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was out standing in his field.

Why couldn't the duck be quiet? Because it was addicted to quack.

How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.

Why did the pharmacist walk on her tiptoes? She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge? The leeks.

What's a crafty dancer's favorite hobby? Cutting a rug.

Why don't phones ever go hungry? They have plenty of apps to choose from.

How do cows shop? From cattle-logs.

Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.

Why do dads feel the need to tell such bad jokes? They just want to help you become a groan up.

How do you know when a chicken is evil? It lays deviled eggs.

Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.

Why did two tall people get along so well? They could really see eye to eye.

What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.

What was Sherlock Holmes' favorite protein source? Mystery meat.

Shouldnt the roof of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?

What did the baker say when she won an award? It was a piece of cake.

Whats the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci.

How much money does a skunk have? Only one scent.

How do birds learn how to fly? They wing it!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

How can you mend a broken pumpkin? Use a pumpkin patch.

Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded.

Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.

Why didn't the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.

Getting paid to sleep is a true dream job.

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

What did the juicer say to the orange during self-quarantine? Cant wait to squeeze you!

Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!

What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.

What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.

Why did the computer catch cold? It left a window open.

What did the dryer say to the boring duvet cover that just got out of the washer? Don't be such a wet blanket.

What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.

Why did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key!

What do you call a gnat with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.

What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion? Let's table this.

Why was the hockey player gifted a new cap? He was known for his hat tricks.

What does a house wear? Address.

Why is sand so optimistic? It has a can-dune attitude.

What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.

What kind of cleaning product feels a lot of motivation in life? All-purpose.

Why did the lobster blush? Because it saw the ocean's bottom!

How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, Do you know how to drive this thing?

What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning? A breakfast bar.

Why did the roofer go to the doctor? He had shingles.

What do you call someone who won't stick to a diet? A desserter.

A truck full of Vicks Vapour Rub crashed on the highway this morning. Amazingly there was no congestion for 8 hours.

Stop looking for the perfect match use a lighter.

How was the handsome runner described? Dashing.

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack.

How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Its fine, he woke up.

What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl.

I told my girlfriend she drew on her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver? The sink.

Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar? He ordered everyone around.

I didn't get a haircut, I got them all cut.

Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two!

5/4 of people admit theyre bad at fractions.

My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall to her. I said Maybe...

Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.

Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter.

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle.

What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.

What do frogs use to track their exercise? Fit (rib)bits.

What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.

What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1

What kind of bug can tell time? A clock-roach.

I know a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work.

Why couldn't the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues? They were engaged.

If you feel like someone is watching you, you're not alone.

What do lions use to look at their manes? Mirroars.

Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because its mother was in a jam.

Why would doors do well on social media? Everyone looks for their handles.

How does a penguin build his house? Igloos it together.

What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing.

Ive been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure its better than sitting around doing nothing.

What makes a basketball court trendy and accessorized? The hoops.

Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.

If you see a burglary at an Apple store, you become an iWitness.

Why did the physicist and the biologist break up? Because they had no chemistry.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.

How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.

Why did the watch go on vacation? Because it needed to unwind.

Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldnt see that well.

Why did Waldo go to therapy? Because he needed to find himself.

What kind of noise does a witchs vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.

Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn't a good fit.

If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

What do you call a baby sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.

How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day? He told her to look out for her new sham-poo in the shower.

Why couldn't the bike stand up on its own? Because it was too tired.

Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill.

What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.

What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles? He's got a chip on his shoulder.

What did the geometry teacher say when the class had trouble solving a problem? Let's try a different angle.

What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing they fast.

What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

How many apples can you grow on a tree? All of them.

What did the sapphire's best friend tell her? You're a real gem.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

How do trees get on the internet? They log in.

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless.

Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.

What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.

Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn't putting in enough shifts.

I wanted to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.

What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalape o business.

What did the police officer say to his belly-button? Youre under a vest.

What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

Why couldn't the couple get married at the library? It was all booked up.

I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Why was the ghost so tired? He worked the graveyard shift.

What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one is on the house.

What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A bed.

My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating. She's starting to sound like my wife.

Why did the pug buy a clock? It wanted to be a watchdog.

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Why did the envelope take so long to get ready? It had to get addressed.

Whats the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific.

Why is cold water so insecure? Because its never called hot.

Did you hear about the actor who broke his leg onstage? He's still in the cast.

Did you hear about the guy who was afraid of hurdles? He got over it.

What kind of shape may have been knighted? Cir-cles.

Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.

What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!

Did you know? A pregnant horse can run faster.... Because... It's TWO horsepower.

Im so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

Why were spectators confused by the koala's self-portrait? It was bear.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

Sore throats are a pain in the neck.

What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record. But I love their greatest hits!

I've been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing. The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.

What animals are the best to call if you get locked out of your house? Monkeys.

I was going to tell a joke about water, but it was too tasteless.

What does a karate master get rewarded with while driving? A seat belt.

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didnt like it.

How can you tell its a dogwood tree? By the bark.

What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business.

I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said its just a bug going around.

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.

I like telling Dad jokes sometimes he laughs.

I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if its the real deal or just a run through?

Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop? She always spilled the tea.

If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until theres pancakes.

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.

Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.

My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I dont think they'll fit me.

Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

Where do wasps like to get lunch? A bee-stro.

What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon.

Whats brown and sticky? A stick.

Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.

What did the husband say to his wife right after getting LASIK surgery? Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?

What do you call spiders who just got married? Newly-webs.

Why was the cow such a heartthrob on the farm? He was a s-moo-th talker.

What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone.

Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.

How do you get a country girls attention? A tractor.

Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.

What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.

Why did the computer go to bed? It needed to crash.

How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.

Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.

What's either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school? Hogwarts.

What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.

RIP boiled water you will be mist.

What's it called when kittens get stuck in a tree? A cat-astrophe.

I had a date last night and it was perfect. Tomorrow, I'll have a fig.

Why couldn't the family leave the room after playing with Lego? They were blocked.

Why did the pony ask for a glass of water? Because it was a little horse.

Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school.

Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.

Why did the baseball player get arrested? Because he stole second base.

What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini.

What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.

Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.

What is Marco's favorite clothing store? Polo.

When does Friday come before Thursday? In the dictionary

Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.

What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical.

Want to hear a joke about construction? Im still working on it.